Chapter Nine - Dinner and a Show
When I was in high school, I was both lazy and brave enough to buy my lunch each day. This mixture of paste, sawdust, and animal parts best left unnamed was served up by a company called Sodexho. Why a food company choose an anagram of "do ho sex" for its name is beyond me. Why people would employ such a company was an easier nut to crack; they were cheap.
The day I graduated, I assumed--among other things--that I would never have to choke down that garbage again.
Guess what?
Allegheny's sole food supplier for both McKinley's Food Court and Brooks Dining Hall was (surprise!) Sodexho. To their credit, the Allegheny lunch ladies tried a lot harder to make the food edible than than the ones high school had. They succeeded about 60% of the time.
The Thursday morning after the election, I stuffed down a sausage muffin sandwich at McKinley's that probably added a full inch of obstruction to every artery in my body. I made my way to Carnegie Hall for my Freshman Seminar.
Professor Saldauzar split us into four groups of three or four. My luck was somewhere in the middle, as my group contained neither Chandler nor Marie. I was with two girls. One was an innocent young lady named Mandy that Jerry had gone to high school with and described as "a sweetheart." The other was one I couldn't quite figure out; she could've been a stoner or a workaholic who didn't get enough sleep. She was bleary-eyed as hell that morning. Her name was Melissa.
"All right, everyone." said Prof. Saldauzar. He's pretty cool, as professors go. He reminded me of that one cool uncle everybody has. "Your assignment for today is more about my role as your freshmen advisor than as your professor. I want each group to brainstorm ideas on the following questions, then we'll share each answer as a group."
"Question one: What have you been doing well this year, and what do you think you need to work on?"
"Well," said Mandy, "I think I've been studying enough, but I need to work on finding other things to occupy my time. I'm thinking of taking an extra class next semester, just because I keep getting bored."
"I've got the opposite problem." said Melissa. "I keep getting...distracted."
Stoner. I thought.
Mandy giggled at Melissa. "I know what you're talking about!" She winked conspiratorially. "I've seen you around campus with your boy-toy. What year is he? Freshman?"
Melissa smiled. "Sophomore."
"Sounds like you've got plenty to occupy your time." I said.
Mandy giggled and Melissa asked me to give my answers.
"I need to quit procrastinating. For example, I've got a five page paper due tomorrow, and I haven't started it yet."
"What have you been doing well?" prompted Mandy.
"Half of Brooks Hall!" Chandler called from across the room. I turned in my seat to face him.
"You'd better be done!" I called back. He flashed a thumbs-up. "Well, it took me awhile, but I've finally gotten used to dorm life."
The next three questions were "you had to be there" types that mean nothing in retelling. The last question, on the other hand:
"If you could change one thing about your life at Allegheny so far, what would it be?"
Some jackass stage whispered, "My Freshman Seminar!" Prof. Saldauzar laughed it off.
"If I could change on thing, I'd probably have tried to meet more people during orientation." said Mandy.
"See, I would've put Chemistry off until next semester. It's kicking my ass, having it and Calculus II at the same time." said Melissa.
I sighed. "I'd have a different roommate."
"Really?" asked Mandy. She knew I lived on the same hallway as Jerry; all three of us had went for dinner together once or twice. "Who's your roommate now?"
"Class President William Lappalainen." I sighed. He'd picked up the title a month-and-a-half earlier by "triumphing" with 20% of the class' vote. His opponent had been a girl named Maria Bacci, who'd lost the election (which had only 32% participation, the lowest in the school's history) by failing to post a bio on the candidates' web page. I'd voted for her anyway, finding the idea of voting for a stranger less repugnant than either voting for Prince William or abstaining.
"Really? I didn't vote for president." said Melissa. I thanked her.
"What's wrong with him?" pressed Mandy.
"Well, he's really effeminate. Not that in and of itself is bad, but he uses it to condescend on things like fashion. Another thing is that he's really egotistical, and is a total drama queen. He also gets these weird mood swings."
"Wow. That sucks." said Melissa. "How do you put up with him?"
"I've been trying to be patient, it's just that he's hard to work around--"
"Attention, ladies and gentleman," interrupted Chandler, suddenly standing behind Mandy. "Class ended 45 seconds ago."
"Right. Well, have a good weekend, girls." I said. Chandler and I headed towards Brooks. When we got there, Chandler reached into his pocket and swore.
"Shit, I left my ID card in my room." he said.
"Relax, I'll spot you a meal." I offered.
"No, I'll just run and get it. Save me a seat."
Walker was the annex to Brooks, so Chandler's room was nearby. I agreed and got us a table.
As I was digging into the pile of broiled ground-up horse placenta the nutrition information card called a "cheeseburger," Melissa happened to sit down directly in my line of sight. A guy sat down next to her. I wasn't so much watching them as I was letting my head sit in the neutral position. After all, my eyes had to point somewhere.
Without warning, the two of them started making out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I find watching two people (who are marginally attractive at best) swap body fluids in any form somewhat revolting. The fact that they were going at it in a crowded dining hall at its peak hour didn't help me any.
I must have been staring, because I didn't notice Chandler until he spoke.
"Damn, I hope she doesn't have a tongue piercing, or he can kiss his tonsils goodbye."
"Oh, hey. You wanna just sit somewhere else?" I asked.
"What's the matter, you don't want dinner and a show?" he chuckled.
"I would've preferred just some food, thank you very much."
Originally posted on December 24th, 2004
The day I graduated, I assumed--among other things--that I would never have to choke down that garbage again.
Guess what?
Allegheny's sole food supplier for both McKinley's Food Court and Brooks Dining Hall was (surprise!) Sodexho. To their credit, the Allegheny lunch ladies tried a lot harder to make the food edible than than the ones high school had. They succeeded about 60% of the time.
The Thursday morning after the election, I stuffed down a sausage muffin sandwich at McKinley's that probably added a full inch of obstruction to every artery in my body. I made my way to Carnegie Hall for my Freshman Seminar.
Professor Saldauzar split us into four groups of three or four. My luck was somewhere in the middle, as my group contained neither Chandler nor Marie. I was with two girls. One was an innocent young lady named Mandy that Jerry had gone to high school with and described as "a sweetheart." The other was one I couldn't quite figure out; she could've been a stoner or a workaholic who didn't get enough sleep. She was bleary-eyed as hell that morning. Her name was Melissa.
"All right, everyone." said Prof. Saldauzar. He's pretty cool, as professors go. He reminded me of that one cool uncle everybody has. "Your assignment for today is more about my role as your freshmen advisor than as your professor. I want each group to brainstorm ideas on the following questions, then we'll share each answer as a group."
"Question one: What have you been doing well this year, and what do you think you need to work on?"
"Well," said Mandy, "I think I've been studying enough, but I need to work on finding other things to occupy my time. I'm thinking of taking an extra class next semester, just because I keep getting bored."
"I've got the opposite problem." said Melissa. "I keep getting...distracted."
Stoner. I thought.
Mandy giggled at Melissa. "I know what you're talking about!" She winked conspiratorially. "I've seen you around campus with your boy-toy. What year is he? Freshman?"
Melissa smiled. "Sophomore."
"Sounds like you've got plenty to occupy your time." I said.
Mandy giggled and Melissa asked me to give my answers.
"I need to quit procrastinating. For example, I've got a five page paper due tomorrow, and I haven't started it yet."
"What have you been doing well?" prompted Mandy.
"Half of Brooks Hall!" Chandler called from across the room. I turned in my seat to face him.
"You'd better be done!" I called back. He flashed a thumbs-up. "Well, it took me awhile, but I've finally gotten used to dorm life."
The next three questions were "you had to be there" types that mean nothing in retelling. The last question, on the other hand:
"If you could change one thing about your life at Allegheny so far, what would it be?"
Some jackass stage whispered, "My Freshman Seminar!" Prof. Saldauzar laughed it off.
"If I could change on thing, I'd probably have tried to meet more people during orientation." said Mandy.
"See, I would've put Chemistry off until next semester. It's kicking my ass, having it and Calculus II at the same time." said Melissa.
I sighed. "I'd have a different roommate."
"Really?" asked Mandy. She knew I lived on the same hallway as Jerry; all three of us had went for dinner together once or twice. "Who's your roommate now?"
"Class President William Lappalainen." I sighed. He'd picked up the title a month-and-a-half earlier by "triumphing" with 20% of the class' vote. His opponent had been a girl named Maria Bacci, who'd lost the election (which had only 32% participation, the lowest in the school's history) by failing to post a bio on the candidates' web page. I'd voted for her anyway, finding the idea of voting for a stranger less repugnant than either voting for Prince William or abstaining.
"Really? I didn't vote for president." said Melissa. I thanked her.
"What's wrong with him?" pressed Mandy.
"Well, he's really effeminate. Not that in and of itself is bad, but he uses it to condescend on things like fashion. Another thing is that he's really egotistical, and is a total drama queen. He also gets these weird mood swings."
"Wow. That sucks." said Melissa. "How do you put up with him?"
"I've been trying to be patient, it's just that he's hard to work around--"
"Attention, ladies and gentleman," interrupted Chandler, suddenly standing behind Mandy. "Class ended 45 seconds ago."
"Right. Well, have a good weekend, girls." I said. Chandler and I headed towards Brooks. When we got there, Chandler reached into his pocket and swore.
"Shit, I left my ID card in my room." he said.
"Relax, I'll spot you a meal." I offered.
"No, I'll just run and get it. Save me a seat."
Walker was the annex to Brooks, so Chandler's room was nearby. I agreed and got us a table.
As I was digging into the pile of broiled ground-up horse placenta the nutrition information card called a "cheeseburger," Melissa happened to sit down directly in my line of sight. A guy sat down next to her. I wasn't so much watching them as I was letting my head sit in the neutral position. After all, my eyes had to point somewhere.
Without warning, the two of them started making out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I find watching two people (who are marginally attractive at best) swap body fluids in any form somewhat revolting. The fact that they were going at it in a crowded dining hall at its peak hour didn't help me any.
I must have been staring, because I didn't notice Chandler until he spoke.
"Damn, I hope she doesn't have a tongue piercing, or he can kiss his tonsils goodbye."
"Oh, hey. You wanna just sit somewhere else?" I asked.
"What's the matter, you don't want dinner and a show?" he chuckled.
"I would've preferred just some food, thank you very much."
Originally posted on December 24th, 2004
posted by Andrew Michael at 1:43 AM
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